Spiritual Oasis

You know, as I went to lead Worship this morning I had to stop and wonder if I am really prepared to do so. Not musically, that I have covered. Vocal warm ups were fantastic on the way over so that wasn't the problem.
The problem is the oasis I am in at the moment. Believe God can, but, wondering why He won't. Wondering if I forgotten (figuratively there as I know God forgets none of us ever). Just not feeling that I am in the best place right now. Been dealing with some heavy stuff of late. One of which, secondary infertility. Who knew? For years we questioned if I was had PCOS. My doctor believed that after my last surgery (ovaectomy) my hormone levels dropped which allowed the egg to release. It happened quickly after my surgery, so much so that since I had a DNC my lining was thin and progesterone very low I was monitored very closely.
So, here we are, in our 40's and trying again. I never ever expected to be a homeschooling mommy and for years after Jana was born (remember it took years to have her as well, we were married 11 years)I was totally focused on her. I have heard the "If you are going to try you had better get the lead out because your eggs are old." So, now at 41, I have old eggs, PCOS-Polycycstics Ovarians Disease, one ovary, and a little girl who is dying for a sister. Kinda hard.
Throw in insenstive women I have to deal with and their comments regarding my one "It's easier for you to get around you only have one." "It's easier for you to school you only have one." I guess you don't have the sibling issues because you only have one." Yea....pretty insensitive. Harder to deal with, they don't realize they are saying it to, they never will, nor will the fertile "myrtles" really understand that. Makes things more difficult for sure.
So, today as I am cleaning my daughter informs me this is taking forever. So I kinda said, you know Jan by the time a sister (yes she does not want a brother, lol) gets here you are gonna be older and not ready to play all the time. She insists that she will. She would make a great big sister.
Adoption is on the table. I just want to be sure we exhaust all options here first. Prayers are always welcome though in the oasis I'm starting to wonder if they will do any good, though I know they do. It's one of those struggling things. I know what is true but sometimes I just feel the doubts stronger than others.
A little story about the first pregnancies in case this blog turns out to be my release. We all need to vent sometimes. I spent years and years in infertility treatment. I even had a IUI but that too was unsuccessful. I had two surgeries. One to diagnose the PCOS and another to add drainage holes to help our changes of the ovaries working properly. We left treatment anout 3 years in because I just couldn't do it anymore. Actually, we couldn't do it anymore. It gets beyond stressful. I went off of all drugs during this time and started to get back in shape again. Then I was in a car accident. Head on. Majorly hurt. Still have problems today. I spent about 4 years recovering. Major bummer. Because my periods were regular nobody checked my ovaries. I was told to go have babies. Haha, kinda funny.
In Jan of 2001 I went to my old fertility specialist as my GYN again. Of course, knowing my history I was sent for a ultrasound of my ovaries. I got a call from my doctor telling me I had a mass on the right one. I was sent in for surgery in March. I had spent the weeks after surgery preparing a Mothers Day sermon. Putting the mothers of the Bible to songs. Mother's Day morning I took a pregnancy test because I just happened to be a week late. Didn't think in a million years it would come back positive. All the negative tests and this is what I find out Mother's Day morning before delivering the sermon I worked so hard on for months. In January of 2002 Jana (pronounced Yonna as it is German) was born. The greatest gift ever.
So after writing that story I again ask myself why I cannot even in this moment believe that God can work again? I don't know. I heard a great sermon this morning about Jesus healing a man with leporsy and that this was only the 2nd case ever in the history of the Bible. BUT, I still struggle and think, nope. Not gonna happen. I kept hearing Nichole's song "Help Me Believe" the entire time this sermon was happening too. Why can't I believe? Partly, I'm afraid to open my heart to the negative's again. It's easier to say never then to let in hope to have hope taken away.
The story continues.....................................I told my husband I was calling my GYN Monday to discuss the drug options.