Show was great for not playing out in so long. One thing I did realize is that I really miss it. I miss entertaining and ministering people, so I am planning on doing more of it. Not sure how much, but, I will be making some dates.
I have a video that is too long to load to websites so I'll keep trying.
I ended up throwing in 3 new songs. All I needed to sing and thank you so much Nichole Nordeman! Her writing is inspiring to me.
So, back in the saddle, back to performing I am. It will all work out in the end I'm sure, but, I really am looking forward to it and hopefully doing a bit more writing also.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Moods
Somewhere tonight I was overtaken by a mood of grrrr. I've been truly struggling these days with a few things concerning the infertility. Like the last couple of weeks. I wasn't exoecting to be pregnant yet I was late and of course after 2 tests (a home test that came back invalid and a blood test at the doctors) my "friend" comes so I know I'm not. Kinda a cruel joke for no reason at all. I was supposed to go get my test on Monday to see if I am able to take clomid again and my truck breaks on Saturday so I don't get it back til Monday which makes it too late to take the test.
I have a show coming up, I want to play yet I don't want to play. I'm kinda at a place of questioning again. The all knowing......do I really believe that. Our struggles through infertility while women abuse their babies or kill them with a abortion. I can understand my struggle with the wisdom of God. I'm also faced with another lost dream.......music, getting signed, touring, and I'm seeing it happen for someone I know. A mix of emotions all the time. Happy for "him" and yet sooo jealous because once again I see reality staring me in the face. So it's a double whammy for me tonight. No career of my choice and not having another child I desperately want. So.....the oasis continues. I have put a hold on all worship leading until my head is straight. Don't get me wrong. When the wheel bent on my truck I realized I easily could;ve been on 95 doing 80mph. I couldn't steer and the damage to the truck would have been major....if we survived. So I understand God was looking out for me, but, when it comes to other things I just can't hold onto that anymore. At least not right now.
I have a show coming up, I want to play yet I don't want to play. I'm kinda at a place of questioning again. The all knowing......do I really believe that. Our struggles through infertility while women abuse their babies or kill them with a abortion. I can understand my struggle with the wisdom of God. I'm also faced with another lost dream.......music, getting signed, touring, and I'm seeing it happen for someone I know. A mix of emotions all the time. Happy for "him" and yet sooo jealous because once again I see reality staring me in the face. So it's a double whammy for me tonight. No career of my choice and not having another child I desperately want. So.....the oasis continues. I have put a hold on all worship leading until my head is straight. Don't get me wrong. When the wheel bent on my truck I realized I easily could;ve been on 95 doing 80mph. I couldn't steer and the damage to the truck would have been major....if we survived. So I understand God was looking out for me, but, when it comes to other things I just can't hold onto that anymore. At least not right now.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Spiritual Oasis
You know, as I went to lead Worship this morning I had to stop and wonder if I am really prepared to do so. Not musically, that I have covered. Vocal warm ups were fantastic on the way over so that wasn't the problem.
The problem is the oasis I am in at the moment. Believe God can, but, wondering why He won't. Wondering if I forgotten (figuratively there as I know God forgets none of us ever). Just not feeling that I am in the best place right now. Been dealing with some heavy stuff of late. One of which, secondary infertility. Who knew? For years we questioned if I was had PCOS. My doctor believed that after my last surgery (ovaectomy) my hormone levels dropped which allowed the egg to release. It happened quickly after my surgery, so much so that since I had a DNC my lining was thin and progesterone very low I was monitored very closely.
So, here we are, in our 40's and trying again. I never ever expected to be a homeschooling mommy and for years after Jana was born (remember it took years to have her as well, we were married 11 years)I was totally focused on her. I have heard the "If you are going to try you had better get the lead out because your eggs are old." So, now at 41, I have old eggs, PCOS-Polycycstics Ovarians Disease, one ovary, and a little girl who is dying for a sister. Kinda hard.
Throw in insenstive women I have to deal with and their comments regarding my one "It's easier for you to get around you only have one." "It's easier for you to school you only have one." I guess you don't have the sibling issues because you only have one." Yea....pretty insensitive. Harder to deal with, they don't realize they are saying it to, they never will, nor will the fertile "myrtles" really understand that. Makes things more difficult for sure.
So, today as I am cleaning my daughter informs me this is taking forever. So I kinda said, you know Jan by the time a sister (yes she does not want a brother, lol) gets here you are gonna be older and not ready to play all the time. She insists that she will. She would make a great big sister.
Adoption is on the table. I just want to be sure we exhaust all options here first. Prayers are always welcome though in the oasis I'm starting to wonder if they will do any good, though I know they do. It's one of those struggling things. I know what is true but sometimes I just feel the doubts stronger than others.
A little story about the first pregnancies in case this blog turns out to be my release. We all need to vent sometimes. I spent years and years in infertility treatment. I even had a IUI but that too was unsuccessful. I had two surgeries. One to diagnose the PCOS and another to add drainage holes to help our changes of the ovaries working properly. We left treatment anout 3 years in because I just couldn't do it anymore. Actually, we couldn't do it anymore. It gets beyond stressful. I went off of all drugs during this time and started to get back in shape again. Then I was in a car accident. Head on. Majorly hurt. Still have problems today. I spent about 4 years recovering. Major bummer. Because my periods were regular nobody checked my ovaries. I was told to go have babies. Haha, kinda funny.
In Jan of 2001 I went to my old fertility specialist as my GYN again. Of course, knowing my history I was sent for a ultrasound of my ovaries. I got a call from my doctor telling me I had a mass on the right one. I was sent in for surgery in March. I had spent the weeks after surgery preparing a Mothers Day sermon. Putting the mothers of the Bible to songs. Mother's Day morning I took a pregnancy test because I just happened to be a week late. Didn't think in a million years it would come back positive. All the negative tests and this is what I find out Mother's Day morning before delivering the sermon I worked so hard on for months. In January of 2002 Jana (pronounced Yonna as it is German) was born. The greatest gift ever.
So after writing that story I again ask myself why I cannot even in this moment believe that God can work again? I don't know. I heard a great sermon this morning about Jesus healing a man with leporsy and that this was only the 2nd case ever in the history of the Bible. BUT, I still struggle and think, nope. Not gonna happen. I kept hearing Nichole's song "Help Me Believe" the entire time this sermon was happening too. Why can't I believe? Partly, I'm afraid to open my heart to the negative's again. It's easier to say never then to let in hope to have hope taken away.
The story continues.....................................I told my husband I was calling my GYN Monday to discuss the drug options.
The problem is the oasis I am in at the moment. Believe God can, but, wondering why He won't. Wondering if I forgotten (figuratively there as I know God forgets none of us ever). Just not feeling that I am in the best place right now. Been dealing with some heavy stuff of late. One of which, secondary infertility. Who knew? For years we questioned if I was had PCOS. My doctor believed that after my last surgery (ovaectomy) my hormone levels dropped which allowed the egg to release. It happened quickly after my surgery, so much so that since I had a DNC my lining was thin and progesterone very low I was monitored very closely.
So, here we are, in our 40's and trying again. I never ever expected to be a homeschooling mommy and for years after Jana was born (remember it took years to have her as well, we were married 11 years)I was totally focused on her. I have heard the "If you are going to try you had better get the lead out because your eggs are old." So, now at 41, I have old eggs, PCOS-Polycycstics Ovarians Disease, one ovary, and a little girl who is dying for a sister. Kinda hard.
Throw in insenstive women I have to deal with and their comments regarding my one "It's easier for you to get around you only have one." "It's easier for you to school you only have one." I guess you don't have the sibling issues because you only have one." Yea....pretty insensitive. Harder to deal with, they don't realize they are saying it to, they never will, nor will the fertile "myrtles" really understand that. Makes things more difficult for sure.
So, today as I am cleaning my daughter informs me this is taking forever. So I kinda said, you know Jan by the time a sister (yes she does not want a brother, lol) gets here you are gonna be older and not ready to play all the time. She insists that she will. She would make a great big sister.
Adoption is on the table. I just want to be sure we exhaust all options here first. Prayers are always welcome though in the oasis I'm starting to wonder if they will do any good, though I know they do. It's one of those struggling things. I know what is true but sometimes I just feel the doubts stronger than others.
A little story about the first pregnancies in case this blog turns out to be my release. We all need to vent sometimes. I spent years and years in infertility treatment. I even had a IUI but that too was unsuccessful. I had two surgeries. One to diagnose the PCOS and another to add drainage holes to help our changes of the ovaries working properly. We left treatment anout 3 years in because I just couldn't do it anymore. Actually, we couldn't do it anymore. It gets beyond stressful. I went off of all drugs during this time and started to get back in shape again. Then I was in a car accident. Head on. Majorly hurt. Still have problems today. I spent about 4 years recovering. Major bummer. Because my periods were regular nobody checked my ovaries. I was told to go have babies. Haha, kinda funny.
In Jan of 2001 I went to my old fertility specialist as my GYN again. Of course, knowing my history I was sent for a ultrasound of my ovaries. I got a call from my doctor telling me I had a mass on the right one. I was sent in for surgery in March. I had spent the weeks after surgery preparing a Mothers Day sermon. Putting the mothers of the Bible to songs. Mother's Day morning I took a pregnancy test because I just happened to be a week late. Didn't think in a million years it would come back positive. All the negative tests and this is what I find out Mother's Day morning before delivering the sermon I worked so hard on for months. In January of 2002 Jana (pronounced Yonna as it is German) was born. The greatest gift ever.
So after writing that story I again ask myself why I cannot even in this moment believe that God can work again? I don't know. I heard a great sermon this morning about Jesus healing a man with leporsy and that this was only the 2nd case ever in the history of the Bible. BUT, I still struggle and think, nope. Not gonna happen. I kept hearing Nichole's song "Help Me Believe" the entire time this sermon was happening too. Why can't I believe? Partly, I'm afraid to open my heart to the negative's again. It's easier to say never then to let in hope to have hope taken away.
The story continues.....................................I told my husband I was calling my GYN Monday to discuss the drug options.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Joy Stealing and OCD
I am OCD. Though I have never been "clinically diagnosed" I really don't need to be. I know it. From being a germaphob to counting numbers and everything being even, all the sign point to the undeniable fact that I am totally and completely OCD. I've made my peace with it.
So, being happy needless to say, can sometimes be a chore and the Devil, being the sneaky little guy that he is, knows that is my weakness. Not obsession over something- be it annoying neighbors, paying bills, my daughter not being her usual well mannered happy self, to people cutting me off on the road, not living a dream (music, as I got started I also got something I wanted with my whole heart as well, my daughter), those are the things that can so easily absorb my thoughts.
Now, I know this and fully know that as a child of God I am supposed to have joy in the Lord always! Not sometimes, not half the time, the word is ALWAYS. In everything, EVERYTHING, give thanks.
So here are my end of summer pressure points:
New neighbors again-
We live in a semi attached house which is great 90% of the time. We generally like our neighbors and there are a few we have become quite close to over the last 15 years. However, living attached just isn't for us anymore and so, despite finally getting my house redecorated I am stopping, going plain and getting ready to start throwing stuff in storage. I'll so miss my staircase, which was the selling point of the house for me. It's just great and BIG! I put up a Lamplight Village border in my dining room and with the Autumn Splendor paint I have created my own "Shire". Fall is my favorite time of year (I actually started dating my husband then and when the weather gets cooler I think of our dating years). I can't find it anymore and I definitely don't have enough left to do it again :O(. Very sad face. I keep praying for a miracle. I'll find it somewhere in cyberspace. So neighbors number 8 will be here soon. Four renters and 1 from some very loud part of the world where nobody respects anyone else and the kids run like hudlums and Four owners, 1 also bad with a kid who controlled her and not the other way around. Both times taught me some things I never would have normally thought of with parenting. We are very nervous. Working on the house is fun too, all the banging. I believe in God's timing. I believe it is time for us to move.
Money-
I barely see my husband right now he is working so much. Sucks, and despite all that and God always being faithful in His blessing of our finances (and our credit being back to "on demand" you know, walk into a store and say I want a credit card) I am always in a panic. I don't know why and being OCD, my goodness, that can really control my thoughts. I remember once overdrawing our account and being upset about it for days. It's something I really and truly need to learn to let go of. The constant worry.
Health-
All of ours. From mine to my husband to my daughter. I remember when she was born I was terrified of SIDS. Terrified! I don't think I slept until she was a year old. Then I heard a story of someone losing their child at 5 years old and I thought to myself, wow! this will never go away. There is always going to be something to worry about.
I have always been aware of the warfare part of life. When something good happens something will happen to get my OCD up and running quickly. I'm hoping I get older and wiser here. Then maybe I cann see what is happening and apply the lessons I've learned quickly and efficiently so the OCD doesn't stand a chance.
Adding to our family-
I can't believe I am dealing with PCOS again.
Stay tuned as I plan on sharing my thoughts here instead of holding it all in and pretending everything is always ok.
So, being happy needless to say, can sometimes be a chore and the Devil, being the sneaky little guy that he is, knows that is my weakness. Not obsession over something- be it annoying neighbors, paying bills, my daughter not being her usual well mannered happy self, to people cutting me off on the road, not living a dream (music, as I got started I also got something I wanted with my whole heart as well, my daughter), those are the things that can so easily absorb my thoughts.
Now, I know this and fully know that as a child of God I am supposed to have joy in the Lord always! Not sometimes, not half the time, the word is ALWAYS. In everything, EVERYTHING, give thanks.
So here are my end of summer pressure points:
New neighbors again-
We live in a semi attached house which is great 90% of the time. We generally like our neighbors and there are a few we have become quite close to over the last 15 years. However, living attached just isn't for us anymore and so, despite finally getting my house redecorated I am stopping, going plain and getting ready to start throwing stuff in storage. I'll so miss my staircase, which was the selling point of the house for me. It's just great and BIG! I put up a Lamplight Village border in my dining room and with the Autumn Splendor paint I have created my own "Shire". Fall is my favorite time of year (I actually started dating my husband then and when the weather gets cooler I think of our dating years). I can't find it anymore and I definitely don't have enough left to do it again :O(. Very sad face. I keep praying for a miracle. I'll find it somewhere in cyberspace. So neighbors number 8 will be here soon. Four renters and 1 from some very loud part of the world where nobody respects anyone else and the kids run like hudlums and Four owners, 1 also bad with a kid who controlled her and not the other way around. Both times taught me some things I never would have normally thought of with parenting. We are very nervous. Working on the house is fun too, all the banging. I believe in God's timing. I believe it is time for us to move.
Money-
I barely see my husband right now he is working so much. Sucks, and despite all that and God always being faithful in His blessing of our finances (and our credit being back to "on demand" you know, walk into a store and say I want a credit card) I am always in a panic. I don't know why and being OCD, my goodness, that can really control my thoughts. I remember once overdrawing our account and being upset about it for days. It's something I really and truly need to learn to let go of. The constant worry.
Health-
All of ours. From mine to my husband to my daughter. I remember when she was born I was terrified of SIDS. Terrified! I don't think I slept until she was a year old. Then I heard a story of someone losing their child at 5 years old and I thought to myself, wow! this will never go away. There is always going to be something to worry about.
I have always been aware of the warfare part of life. When something good happens something will happen to get my OCD up and running quickly. I'm hoping I get older and wiser here. Then maybe I cann see what is happening and apply the lessons I've learned quickly and efficiently so the OCD doesn't stand a chance.
Adding to our family-
I can't believe I am dealing with PCOS again.
Stay tuned as I plan on sharing my thoughts here instead of holding it all in and pretending everything is always ok.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
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