Moods

Somewhere tonight I was overtaken by a mood of grrrr. I've been truly struggling these days with a few things concerning the infertility. Like the last couple of weeks. I wasn't exoecting to be pregnant yet I was late and of course after 2 tests (a home test that came back invalid and a blood test at the doctors) my "friend" comes so I know I'm not. Kinda a cruel joke for no reason at all. I was supposed to go get my test on Monday to see if I am able to take clomid again and my truck breaks on Saturday so I don't get it back til Monday which makes it too late to take the test.
I have a show coming up, I want to play yet I don't want to play. I'm kinda at a place of questioning again. The all knowing......do I really believe that. Our struggles through infertility while women abuse their babies or kill them with a abortion. I can understand my struggle with the wisdom of God. I'm also faced with another lost dream.......music, getting signed, touring, and I'm seeing it happen for someone I know. A mix of emotions all the time. Happy for "him" and yet sooo jealous because once again I see reality staring me in the face. So it's a double whammy for me tonight. No career of my choice and not having another child I desperately want. So.....the oasis continues. I have put a hold on all worship leading until my head is straight. Don't get me wrong. When the wheel bent on my truck I realized I easily could;ve been on 95 doing 80mph. I couldn't steer and the damage to the truck would have been major....if we survived. So I understand God was looking out for me, but, when it comes to other things I just can't hold onto that anymore. At least not right now.