You know, as I went to lead Worship this morning I had to stop and wonder if I am really prepared to do so. Not musically, that I have covered. Vocal warm ups were fantastic on the way over so that wasn't the problem.
The problem is the oasis I am in at the moment. Believe God can, but, wondering why He won't. Wondering if I forgotten (figuratively there as I know God forgets none of us ever). Just not feeling that I am in the best place right now. Been dealing with some heavy stuff of late. One of which, secondary infertility. Who knew? For years we questioned if I was had PCOS. My doctor believed that after my last surgery (ovaectomy) my hormone levels dropped which allowed the egg to release. It happened quickly after my surgery, so much so that since I had a DNC my lining was thin and progesterone very low I was monitored very closely.
So, here we are, in our 40's and trying again. I never ever expected to be a homeschooling mommy and for years after Jana was born (remember it took years to have her as well, we were married 11 years)I was totally focused on her. I have heard the "If you are going to try you had better get the lead out because your eggs are old." So, now at 41, I have old eggs, PCOS-Polycycstics Ovarians Disease, one ovary, and a little girl who is dying for a sister. Kinda hard.
Throw in insenstive women I have to deal with and their comments regarding my one "It's easier for you to get around you only have one." "It's easier for you to school you only have one." I guess you don't have the sibling issues because you only have one." Yea....pretty insensitive. Harder to deal with, they don't realize they are saying it to, they never will, nor will the fertile "myrtles" really understand that. Makes things more difficult for sure.
So, today as I am cleaning my daughter informs me this is taking forever. So I kinda said, you know Jan by the time a sister (yes she does not want a brother, lol) gets here you are gonna be older and not ready to play all the time. She insists that she will. She would make a great big sister.
Adoption is on the table. I just want to be sure we exhaust all options here first. Prayers are always welcome though in the oasis I'm starting to wonder if they will do any good, though I know they do. It's one of those struggling things. I know what is true but sometimes I just feel the doubts stronger than others.
A little story about the first pregnancies in case this blog turns out to be my release. We all need to vent sometimes. I spent years and years in infertility treatment. I even had a IUI but that too was unsuccessful. I had two surgeries. One to diagnose the PCOS and another to add drainage holes to help our changes of the ovaries working properly. We left treatment anout 3 years in because I just couldn't do it anymore. Actually, we couldn't do it anymore. It gets beyond stressful. I went off of all drugs during this time and started to get back in shape again. Then I was in a car accident. Head on. Majorly hurt. Still have problems today. I spent about 4 years recovering. Major bummer. Because my periods were regular nobody checked my ovaries. I was told to go have babies. Haha, kinda funny.
In Jan of 2001 I went to my old fertility specialist as my GYN again. Of course, knowing my history I was sent for a ultrasound of my ovaries. I got a call from my doctor telling me I had a mass on the right one. I was sent in for surgery in March. I had spent the weeks after surgery preparing a Mothers Day sermon. Putting the mothers of the Bible to songs. Mother's Day morning I took a pregnancy test because I just happened to be a week late. Didn't think in a million years it would come back positive. All the negative tests and this is what I find out Mother's Day morning before delivering the sermon I worked so hard on for months. In January of 2002 Jana (pronounced Yonna as it is German) was born. The greatest gift ever.
So after writing that story I again ask myself why I cannot even in this moment believe that God can work again? I don't know. I heard a great sermon this morning about Jesus healing a man with leporsy and that this was only the 2nd case ever in the history of the Bible. BUT, I still struggle and think, nope. Not gonna happen. I kept hearing Nichole's song "Help Me Believe" the entire time this sermon was happening too. Why can't I believe? Partly, I'm afraid to open my heart to the negative's again. It's easier to say never then to let in hope to have hope taken away.
The story continues.....................................I told my husband I was calling my GYN Monday to discuss the drug options.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Joy Stealing and OCD
I am OCD. Though I have never been "clinically diagnosed" I really don't need to be. I know it. From being a germaphob to counting numbers and everything being even, all the sign point to the undeniable fact that I am totally and completely OCD. I've made my peace with it.
So, being happy needless to say, can sometimes be a chore and the Devil, being the sneaky little guy that he is, knows that is my weakness. Not obsession over something- be it annoying neighbors, paying bills, my daughter not being her usual well mannered happy self, to people cutting me off on the road, not living a dream (music, as I got started I also got something I wanted with my whole heart as well, my daughter), those are the things that can so easily absorb my thoughts.
Now, I know this and fully know that as a child of God I am supposed to have joy in the Lord always! Not sometimes, not half the time, the word is ALWAYS. In everything, EVERYTHING, give thanks.
So here are my end of summer pressure points:
New neighbors again-
We live in a semi attached house which is great 90% of the time. We generally like our neighbors and there are a few we have become quite close to over the last 15 years. However, living attached just isn't for us anymore and so, despite finally getting my house redecorated I am stopping, going plain and getting ready to start throwing stuff in storage. I'll so miss my staircase, which was the selling point of the house for me. It's just great and BIG! I put up a Lamplight Village border in my dining room and with the Autumn Splendor paint I have created my own "Shire". Fall is my favorite time of year (I actually started dating my husband then and when the weather gets cooler I think of our dating years). I can't find it anymore and I definitely don't have enough left to do it again :O(. Very sad face. I keep praying for a miracle. I'll find it somewhere in cyberspace. So neighbors number 8 will be here soon. Four renters and 1 from some very loud part of the world where nobody respects anyone else and the kids run like hudlums and Four owners, 1 also bad with a kid who controlled her and not the other way around. Both times taught me some things I never would have normally thought of with parenting. We are very nervous. Working on the house is fun too, all the banging. I believe in God's timing. I believe it is time for us to move.
Money-
I barely see my husband right now he is working so much. Sucks, and despite all that and God always being faithful in His blessing of our finances (and our credit being back to "on demand" you know, walk into a store and say I want a credit card) I am always in a panic. I don't know why and being OCD, my goodness, that can really control my thoughts. I remember once overdrawing our account and being upset about it for days. It's something I really and truly need to learn to let go of. The constant worry.
Health-
All of ours. From mine to my husband to my daughter. I remember when she was born I was terrified of SIDS. Terrified! I don't think I slept until she was a year old. Then I heard a story of someone losing their child at 5 years old and I thought to myself, wow! this will never go away. There is always going to be something to worry about.
I have always been aware of the warfare part of life. When something good happens something will happen to get my OCD up and running quickly. I'm hoping I get older and wiser here. Then maybe I cann see what is happening and apply the lessons I've learned quickly and efficiently so the OCD doesn't stand a chance.
Adding to our family-
I can't believe I am dealing with PCOS again.
Stay tuned as I plan on sharing my thoughts here instead of holding it all in and pretending everything is always ok.
So, being happy needless to say, can sometimes be a chore and the Devil, being the sneaky little guy that he is, knows that is my weakness. Not obsession over something- be it annoying neighbors, paying bills, my daughter not being her usual well mannered happy self, to people cutting me off on the road, not living a dream (music, as I got started I also got something I wanted with my whole heart as well, my daughter), those are the things that can so easily absorb my thoughts.
Now, I know this and fully know that as a child of God I am supposed to have joy in the Lord always! Not sometimes, not half the time, the word is ALWAYS. In everything, EVERYTHING, give thanks.
So here are my end of summer pressure points:
New neighbors again-
We live in a semi attached house which is great 90% of the time. We generally like our neighbors and there are a few we have become quite close to over the last 15 years. However, living attached just isn't for us anymore and so, despite finally getting my house redecorated I am stopping, going plain and getting ready to start throwing stuff in storage. I'll so miss my staircase, which was the selling point of the house for me. It's just great and BIG! I put up a Lamplight Village border in my dining room and with the Autumn Splendor paint I have created my own "Shire". Fall is my favorite time of year (I actually started dating my husband then and when the weather gets cooler I think of our dating years). I can't find it anymore and I definitely don't have enough left to do it again :O(. Very sad face. I keep praying for a miracle. I'll find it somewhere in cyberspace. So neighbors number 8 will be here soon. Four renters and 1 from some very loud part of the world where nobody respects anyone else and the kids run like hudlums and Four owners, 1 also bad with a kid who controlled her and not the other way around. Both times taught me some things I never would have normally thought of with parenting. We are very nervous. Working on the house is fun too, all the banging. I believe in God's timing. I believe it is time for us to move.
Money-
I barely see my husband right now he is working so much. Sucks, and despite all that and God always being faithful in His blessing of our finances (and our credit being back to "on demand" you know, walk into a store and say I want a credit card) I am always in a panic. I don't know why and being OCD, my goodness, that can really control my thoughts. I remember once overdrawing our account and being upset about it for days. It's something I really and truly need to learn to let go of. The constant worry.
Health-
All of ours. From mine to my husband to my daughter. I remember when she was born I was terrified of SIDS. Terrified! I don't think I slept until she was a year old. Then I heard a story of someone losing their child at 5 years old and I thought to myself, wow! this will never go away. There is always going to be something to worry about.
I have always been aware of the warfare part of life. When something good happens something will happen to get my OCD up and running quickly. I'm hoping I get older and wiser here. Then maybe I cann see what is happening and apply the lessons I've learned quickly and efficiently so the OCD doesn't stand a chance.
Adding to our family-
I can't believe I am dealing with PCOS again.
Stay tuned as I plan on sharing my thoughts here instead of holding it all in and pretending everything is always ok.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sleep where are thou?
For the last few days I've been having a hard time getting to sleep. It's not because things are bad however, it's because things are changing and I honestly know it's for the better. Directions, instructions, ambitions, all are involved in my thoughts right now and making me a little too wired. I've been adjusting to the change in my work schedule and with that change has been almost a revitalization to our homeschooling. It's crazy how working a 2nd shift can interfere with school, but, it really does, especially when there are activities at night.
Some other random thoughts......as I've sat back and finally had a chance to read the Healthcare Reform Bill I am a little disappointed. I am definitely pro-"get the healthcare industry, the bloodsuckers" but this bill didn't really do that. The cost of medicine, the cost of care, the cost of appointments. Those are the issues I have zero tolerance for. I hope it is only a start. I also hope to stop hearing the word socialism. Had to throw that in there. I also admit I just watched Sicko, but, I've previously wrote of my own bizarre healthcare issue. Makes you afraid to ever get sick. I know most Republicans hate Michael Moore. I don't like him or hate him, he just is and I watch his films and walk away with what I want. Hillary.....wow honey......I was a big supporter for years and what I thought I heard was confirmed. That does not sit well with me at all.
Slipping in the shower really does happen...........I still cannot believe that happened. I mean really, who does that. Well, it really is more common than we think it is. My knee is pretty messed up but healing well. Not as bad as I thought it would be.
One thing I am is honest. People may not agree with what I have to say but I feel the way I feel and you'll never have to really wonder. I don't do phony well. One thing I will always be is my daughter's advocate. I will always look out for her well being especially with people who don't have hers in mind.
Sleep, where art thou? I have no clue! I just need to go to sleep soon for a busy day tomorrow.
Some other random thoughts......as I've sat back and finally had a chance to read the Healthcare Reform Bill I am a little disappointed. I am definitely pro-"get the healthcare industry, the bloodsuckers" but this bill didn't really do that. The cost of medicine, the cost of care, the cost of appointments. Those are the issues I have zero tolerance for. I hope it is only a start. I also hope to stop hearing the word socialism. Had to throw that in there. I also admit I just watched Sicko, but, I've previously wrote of my own bizarre healthcare issue. Makes you afraid to ever get sick. I know most Republicans hate Michael Moore. I don't like him or hate him, he just is and I watch his films and walk away with what I want. Hillary.....wow honey......I was a big supporter for years and what I thought I heard was confirmed. That does not sit well with me at all.
Slipping in the shower really does happen...........I still cannot believe that happened. I mean really, who does that. Well, it really is more common than we think it is. My knee is pretty messed up but healing well. Not as bad as I thought it would be.
One thing I am is honest. People may not agree with what I have to say but I feel the way I feel and you'll never have to really wonder. I don't do phony well. One thing I will always be is my daughter's advocate. I will always look out for her well being especially with people who don't have hers in mind.
Sleep, where art thou? I have no clue! I just need to go to sleep soon for a busy day tomorrow.
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